Hi OLTLers! Remember me? Well, I'm the one who was lucky enough to spend a few paragraphs with you several weeks ago. I enjoyed it so much that when given the opportunity to do it again, I couldn't pass it up. Problem is that the call came into the bullpen late on Sunday night so I didn't have my best stuff ready on time. Trust me, if I would have known sooner, I totally would have called David Vickers for a ride back to Llanview. So, I apologize for the delay and I hope that you are all as nice to me as you were before. If not, I've got snacks to pass out at the end of our session together.

DAVID
I think I have it figured out. David Vickers is kind of like double fudge chocolate chip ice cream, right? He's so rich and over indulgent that I can only have a little bit at a time. Otherwise, my stomach will hurt and eventually my teeth will start to fall out. How else can I explain his string of storylines that are so infuriating stupid, yet I find myself sitting back and chuckling. In the midst of one of the most current and poignant stories in daytime, we also get a side dish of wacky reality TV. It's so crazy, there's an element of genius to it.

BLAIR
I don't know what kind of glamazons that writers live with, but did they really think that slapping a pair of sun glasses on a perfectly coiffed and dressed Blair was supposed to be an accurate depiction of a hangover? Please don't ask me how I know this, but if Blair was really supposed to look hung-over, she should have stumbled down the stairs, looking for her lost cell phone and wearing some ratty PJs, leftover makeup from the night before, and the remnants of a double cheeseburger on the side of her face. I'm just guessing from what I've "read" before, of course.

But perhaps Blair's inaccurate wardrobe choices are the least of her problems. I don't know why, but I get absolutely nothing out of the Blair/Téa/Todd triangle. God smite me down for saying this, but I miss John McBain. (*ducking to avoid lighting*) At least when Blair was throwing herself at him, John didn't get any pleasure from watching Blair fall on her face. But Todd kinda does. And now that Blair has hired Rex to find out Téa's "secret", I feel that the secret will only bring Todd and Téa closer and Blair will fall even harder on her face. Oh well, at least her makeup will look nice.

MARTY
The hospital board reinstated Marty as a psychiatrist on staff!! WOOT! I couldn't be happier for her. I've really enjoyed watching Susan Haskell bring Marty back from the depths of deception and I'm glad that the writers are giving her a chance to show that Marty's professional life needs rebuilding too. I can't help but feel that establishing a career again will help Marty's confidence. It's very tempting to make all storylines about romance and affairs, but I find it refreshing when people on soaps have jobs. Not only does it give viewers one more way to relate to the character, but it keeps characters like Téa together (ish). So I say, welcome back Dr. Saybrooke!

JESSICA, BRODY, NATALIE, and JARRED
Mr. Mystery Man has been stalking Jessica for a while. But, just so the Natalie doesn't get all freaked out about how Jessica is getting all the attention again, Mr. Mystery Man started stalking her too. I think it's only fair. He may be a criminal, but at least he's an equal opportunity criminal. All jokes aside, Natalie and Jarred were all sorts of cute during their office romp. These two are still newlyweds and I'm glad that the writers haven't forgotten that. And, they are riding a high approval rating wave with me since it was their nudging that finally made Gigi spill the Stacey beans. So, I felt horrible for them when they had to look at those pictures of Nash. I wasn't around during that time, but just one glance at those pictures tells me that a lot of characters were traumatized. Natalie earned further bonus points when she squashed the idea that Jess/Tess/Bess was behind the package. I like it when Natalie sticks up for her sister.

I also like it when Brody sticks up for Jessica. The guy just keeps getting better. I love the way he comforts Jessica and promises to be right by her side while they figure out who Mr. Mystery Man is. Being the "good guy" on a soap opera is hardly a role that many leading men covet. Yet, there Mark Lawson is, giving a master class in how to be good AND interesting AND sexy all at the same time. Take note, fellas of daytime. For her part, I appreciate the Jessica isn't shutting Brody out. It seems like the paint-by-numbers story telling would be for Jessica to play like everything is a-okay because she doesn't want to tell her current boyfriend that she's seeing visions of her ex. But Jessica actually believes in the relationship as much as she says she does. It does my heart good to see her practice what she preaches. It helps that Brody has physical proof that someone is stalking Jess and soon his undercover skills will come in extra handy.

MATTHEW, BO and NORA
Had I not seen the scene where Bo and Nora turned down the surgery, I might be a bit more on their side. I haven't quite made up my mind yet, but I'm leaning towards Téam Matthew on this one. I think that Bo and Nora's (and Rachel's, if I'm being honest) refusal has more to do with their personal feelings towards Dr. Greg, rather than their grasp of the situation. It would be interesting to see how they would have reacted if it was Michael who suggested the surgery during his return visit from Seattle.

However, I really feel like I need to bang my ruler and get everyone to refocus! It seems that this great storyline is being split like one of those regenerating amoebas. First, it takes Téa bringing up the Bo and Nora kiss for these two to start talking about their feelings for each other- a storyline that I find dull at best. They might have had fireworks in the past, but they've got to do better to get this newbie viewer on board. Chemistry doesn't work on credit. Second, lawyer extraordinaire Elijah Clark (wonder if he's related to Marsha?) starts chirping about Téa having a "secret". Ehh...accusing someone on a soap of having a secret is like accusing a child of liking cookies. I may be a silly soap fan, but even I'm not that easily captivated. Third, and most irking of all, it seems that Matthews desire to walk has become some sort of twisted foreplay for Rachel and Greg. I'm just a little cranky that it seems like the writers are going to let this gem of a family driven storyline get away.

TODD and TEA
I don't know why Match.com hasn't snagged Todd as a spokesman yet. I mean seriously! From the short time that I've spent watching the show, I've learned that some of his best moves are 1) kidnapping and mentally raping his crush and 2) sending his ex to a deserted island to prove to his current flame that he's worthy. To think I've spend all this time on cards and sporting event tickets. Apparently I did not receive a copy of the Todd Manning Guide to Courtship! Shame on me.

I kid because I love. And I love me some Todd and Téa-secrets and all. I know I shouldn't, but I can't help myself. Soap operas rarely give viewers the pay-off that they want, so I figure I better count it as a blessing that I like the ride I'm on with these two. I am honestly not as concerned with what Téa's secret is, but how it's going to come out. Now that Todd has hired Elijah to represent him, Todd is one step closer to finding out that Téa has a kid (just a wild guess). All that talk from Blair about how parents will "do anything for their kids" has to mean something.

COLE, BRODY, and JOHN
I feel like these three should have a theme song, or at least a slogan. Since I can't think of a better one, for now I'm going with "Cole, John, and Brody: Bringing the Win!" I love this storyline for several reasons. First, it gets three different ages of characters in the same storyline. Second, much like I stated with Marty and her career, it gives Cole, Brody, and John a storyline that doesn't solely hinge on Star, Jessica, and Marty, respectively. Mix in a crocked politician (just a hunch), season with a sprinkling of a starlet hostage (Hope and Star are on the radar now), and add a dash of good ol' fashion mobsters (that Serge means business) and we've got a very tasty storyline. More, please!

REX, GIGI, SCHYLUR, and STACEY
Rex hasn't been my favorite dude over the last couple of weeks, but I have to say that I was actually on his side during his discussion with Gigi about Schylurgate. Don't get me wrong, I totally appreciated everything Gigi said- about Rex having Bo to confide in and her not having many real friends. But, when we get right down to it, Gigi rationalized that Schylur should be allowed in her life since Rex has Stacey in his. Call me crazy, but if Rex tells Gigi that he's uncomfortable with Schylur, then Gigi should back off. It's not like Schylur is some best friend she's had since pre-school. And I don't think that Rex and Gigi should plan the future of their relationship on a tit for tat scale. Rex can't get rid of Stacey. Gigi can get rid of Schylur. And if Schylur makes Rex feel uncomfortable, Gigi should give him up, not just use him as a reason to thumb her nose at Rex (even if he totally deserved it : )

Now, if I put my soap hat on, I TOTALLY think that Gigi and Schylur should keep hanging out. Why? Because Schylur is the only character that I think has half a brain in this storyline. I love how he admitted that he does have feelings, but he's smart enough to realize that they can't go anywhere right now. And, I truly appreciate the fact that he can't pretend like nothing happened, as evident by his fire drill exit from Rodi's.

Speaking of people who should make quick exits, Stacey's friend Kimmy showed up from Vegas to give Stacey a ride out of town and never, ever, let her come back. Okay, okay. That's just this scooper's dream. Funny thing though, when I woke up I realized that Kimmy lap danced her way across three time zones in order to present Stacey with this brilliant intellectual nugget: keep the miscarriage a secret, get herself knocked up again, and then pass off that baby as Rex's kid! Please, please, please. If there is a God anywhere, Stacey will go have some fun with Greg. He'd be up for it and then when the kid is born, there's no way she'll be able to pass it off as Rex's. Well, at least I hope Rex and Gigi wouldn't believe it, but I'm not so sure. If they do believe it, then I'm really done with the lot of them.

SHAUN, RACHEL, and GREG
I don't like Dr. Evans. I actually find him quite unappealing which is strange because I watch House and thus have a special place in my heart for jerky doctors named Greg. I don't care how many kids he saves, being a good at your profession does not automatically equate to being a good person. And he's got too many personal strikes against him. He lies to Destiny. He spends way too much time with skanky co-workers. And, he's totally going to step all over Shaun's self-esteem in order to get Rachel. I hope there is more to his character because I'm actually going to be disappointed in Rachel if she ends up with this version of Greg. She's too strong to be manhandled and manipulated by the not-so-good doctor.

KYLE, FISH, LAYLA and CRIS
One thing puzzles me that I have to get off my chest right from the start. Does Roxy usually forgive people so fast? She seems to be buddy-budding up really fast with the dude who was blackmailing her daughter. Not that I mind Roxy and Kyle going for cocktails together, but it seems like a pretty dramatic jump.

Okay, onto the main event- the love quad. First, I am still not into Cris and Layla. They're both very boring. I'm so over their fighting. And call me crazy but I don't really find anything endearing about a couple who potentially gets together when her boyfriend tells her that he's gay. If that's the best that these writers have, then I'll pass.

But, I am glad that Layla is in this storyline. If the writers play their cards right, Layla could have a potentially great storyline once Fish comes out. And, it's a common storyline that people forget to tell. For every guy or gal who comes out later in life, there's a pretty good chance that there's a Layla who's totally blindsided by it. And Layla should be blindsided. She pushed Fish away for so long, and then when she finally gave him a chance, he shacked up with her all night, telling her how special and beautiful she is. I'm certainly not saying that Fish has any malice behind him, but he is lying to Layla. And when people lie, other people get hurt.

Then, there's Fish and Kyle. I haven't seen enough of them together, but I can infer that they had more than just a fling. Kyle knew all about the apparently wacko judgmental, Mr. and Mrs. Fish which leads me to believe that Oliver thought enough of Kyle to open up about the parents. It's obvious that Kyle genuinely loves Oliver and wants him to be happy. But like any other logical person on the planet, Kyle knows that Oliver can't be happy while living a lie. This isn't a gay thing. This time the "thing" just happens to be that Oliver is gay. The beauty of this plot is that the writers could substitute any lie and still have an interesting storyline. Of course, it helps that this one is played by the increasingly captivating Brett Claywell and the undeniably charismatic Scott Evans.

LOOSE ENDS
Unless my eyes deceived me, when he helped Marty celebrate her new job, I think I saw John McBain smile. Like, with teeth and everything! It was almost cute. John McBain better watch himself because he's getting very close to emoting.

Langston managed to get Markko a job as one of David's cameramen...errr...camerapeople...whatever. I love how Langston stood up for her man. She could have just handed him a bunch of money, but she realizes that her love and support would go further with Markko. It's ironic when the teens have one of the healthiest relationships on the show, isn't it?

Extra Scoops:

RANDOM THOUGHTS
Maybe I missed it, but have Brody and Rex shared a scene since the truth about the Brody/Gigi "affair" came out? I don't necessarily think that Rex needs to apologize to Brody, but I think there needs to be some sort of closure conversation between the two.

Just how many candles does Layla own? She should be dating a fireman, not a cop!

I would like to see Brody move in with Jessica. That way, Roxy would have an available room and she could give it to Stacey. I just want Stacey out of Rex's loft. It's creepy that she's staying there.

HOT
Dorian being the deciding vote at the hospital board meeting was all sorts of awesome. Not only am I surprised that Dorian actually did the appropriate thing, but she got a chance to play nice with Viki and stick it to that jerky mayor all in one shot. Oh! And, Dorian kinda has an IOU coming her way from either Viki or Marty and that collection will pair some combination of acting heavyweights together. For that alone, it was worth the price of admission.

NOT
Tell me that Rex never actually made a living as a PI. Heaven forbid if Shane needs another round of chemo (or new folders for school) and Rex is responsible for earning money to pay for it. His grand report on Téa consisted of documents that any idiot who knows how to Google could find out. His conclusion is that she's hiding something since there's no record of what happened to Téa after she was rescued from the island. He offers up excuses such as "she must have been under an assumed name". Well DUH that's why Blair hired you in the first place!! That's what PI's do! They find people who are trying not to be found!! Good lord this guy is dumb. Good thing he's pretty.

LINE OF THE WEEK
David (to Vicki): "If you listen to me, you just might get nominated for an Emmy." Hehe! Get it? Because Erika Slezak totally needs advice on how to win an Emmy....

That's all I've got for this session. Thanks again for humoring this new kid while I rant and rave about the happenings in Llanview. If you like what you've read, please be sure to check out the Days of Our Lives Two Scoops section that I co-write with my partner in scoops, Tony. If you're lucky, we might be able to broker a deal for Shawn Christian. We have him trapped in a humdinger of a storyline right now, but depending on how many ice cream cartons you bring to the table, we might be willing to loan him to you so that Ross Rayburn can have a familiar face. I'm just putting that out there. Cheers,
Laurisa